Numb, emotionally numb, as if all my body were frozen; every beat, held in time. I fought the long fight but in the end I succumbed and I feel the end is very near. The future now lays before me like an empty road, desolate, unknown, I stare at it through dry, blinking eyes. I commited relationship suicide, for lack of a better term. I'd always imagined myself to be brave and strong but I see more clearly now, clearly do I see the coward and weakling I inhabit. However, now that I've stepped on this path I must see it through to the end; going back is to return to a larger abyss.

Who knew love could be so painful, so terrible? I'd not believed it until now, now that I've experienced the strange and the unexpected, the impossible to otherwise know without passing through it, a scathing and burning. In the end, was it me that I ran from, from my own crimes of heated passion, my inability to maintain full control of my faculties at all times? I feel changed, to be sure, but did I learn the lessons that mattered most? How will I handle the next such hazard? Or am I too old, too set in my ways, to change and adapt? That, my friends, is the greatest fear of all; to be the dinosaur, the relic, the stone that lies dead.

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So I underwent a physical examination a few weeks ago (June 17th) and received the results today. Overall my health seems pretty good:

• Glucose plasma fasting 4.8 mmol/L (3.6-6.0 is normal, 6.1-6.9 is impaired, >6.9 is "provisional diagnosis of diabetes mellitus")
• Creatinine (a measure of kidney function) is 83 mmol/L, which I believe is normal.
• Bilirubin total: 11 umol/L (normal < 23)
• Urate: 371 umol/L (200-440)
• Cholesterol: 4.33 (desired: < 5.2)
• Triglycerides: 1.38 mmol/L (<2.3)
• HDL cholesterol: 1.31 mmol/L
• LDL cholesterol calc.: 2.39 mmol/L
• Vitamin B12: 337 pmol/L (possibly deficient if < 150, probably if < 110)
• Ferritin: 165 ug/L (80-300 is normal, Iron deficient if <12)
• Sodium: 141 mmol/L (135 - 145)
• Potassium: 4.6 mmol/L (3.3 - 5.1)
• Chloride: 100 mmol/L (95-108)
• Alkaline phosphatase: 46 U/L (40-129)
• AST (Aspartate transaminase): 29 U/L (<37)
• ALT (Alanine transaminase): 1.55 mIU/L (0.35 - 5.00)
• Hemoglobin: 143 g/L (135-170)
• Hematocrit: 0.43 l/l (0.38 - 0.49)
• RBC: 4.17 x 10E12/L (4.2 - 5.7)
• RBC indices MCV, MCH, MCHC: 104 fl (80-97), 34 pg (27-32), 330 g/L (320-360)
• RDW: 14.1 (11.5-15.5)
• WBC: 3.5 x 10E9/L (4 - 11)
• Platelets: 226 x 10E9/L (145-400)
• MPV: 8.1 fl (7.4 - 11.3)
• Smear: "Platelets appear adequate, red cells appear normochromic, macrocytosis - mild"
• Blood group: O positive
• 25 hydroxy vitamin D: 63 nmol/L (sufficency is 76-250, <25 is a deficiency).

Macrocytosis -- possibly due to excessive drinking in my past. Possibly. In any case I've reduced considerably my alcohol intake in the past several months -- frankly, since I've started dating again. The vitamin D and white blood cell count issues are likely due to the colitis medication I take. Even so, I will bring this up when next I see my specialist. The original reason for having the examination done was to see if it would give me any insight on why my energy levels seem rather low of late. I mean, apart for the lack of exercise, poor diet and irregular sleeping habits. Oh well, I guess it's back to the basics -- I'm not a spring pup no more!

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Well, it certainly has been a while. Am I still passing through a cleansing fire? I certainly feel my mind is not entirely there. This past weekend my girlfriend and I went to Niagara-on-the-Lake, a short drive from Toronto, though it's made much longer by traffic. We stopped in St. Catherines, which I liken to a somewhat less classy Waterloo. Oh, of course, we drove through the fields of wine country, which, if you skip actually going inside the wineries, can be done in nearly a day. The stretching verdant fields of grapes is much like you'd imagine, and a rewarding sight.

The next day we walked about the downtown proper, the sidewalks teeming with tourists. All of the eateries we tried were overpriced and staffed by disinterested teenagers serving uninspired, bland dishes; thankfully we brought some sandwiches for picnicking so not all of our meals were complete disappointments. We saw Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard, which was billed (seemingly to me) as a comedy, but it feels far more like a black one, or even a tragedy. It was playing at the Shawfest's Courthouse theatre, but the inside is much more like a schoolhouse -- uncomfortable folding chairs, a decidedly cramped environment. I decided that it was far too expensive for the experience you get, the theatre ruining much of the ambience.

The weekend before we were in Bala, staying at her parent's cottage for the 4th time this summer. The weather was finally good enough to allow us to swim, which we did in a secluded lake, the blue water dark and warm, floating on my back and the sky filling my vision.

Hmmm... the weekend before... oh that's right I missed Magnus' cross-Canada tour, though I was able to catch him and his parental units later that week, at a very late hour indeed. I am heartily glad for my friends, but also saddened to think of how infrequently I see them.

And I am sorry, to you, my dear friends, for having neglected you these past months. I missed you all and my days never quite felt complete. I hope to change this soon.

But, heh, speaking of idling away one's life, I have been playing Team Fortress 2 and StarCraft beta, although the latter has just ended today! I got very little practice in, and am not quite sure how I now measure up. I suppose I will find out soon enough.

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I went to Buffalo on the May 2-4 weekend. Victoria Day. The same. Anyway, I left the photos at home so I don't have anything to link to. I haven't much in terms of a story to tell anyway, other than why would anyone go to Buffalo? Shopping? Sure. Some historical buildings, of which we saw a few. The most upsetting bit was that the swimming pool of the Holiday Inn was closed for the weekend! Much grumbling ensued.

Ok, whatever. I've been playing Starcraft 2 regularly since I got it a couple weeks ago, and I'm slowly polishing my Zerg play. Here are a few mental notes I've developed in that time.

Practice:

• Concentrate on one race, one map, one match up (although these last two are not directly supported by the Quick Match system).
• Often not that easy to hold an early expansion -- scouting is very key here.

As Zerg:

• Use Overlords to lay down Creep highways to expansion, on important corridors.
• Consider using a few burrowed Roaches to sneak behind their front lines.
• Sneak Nydus Networks behind enemy lines, or ideally in a dark patch of their main.
• Use Mutas for harass, map control.
• Remember to pull back, hide or protect scouting Overlords.
• Don't be afraid to build Spine Crawlers if you sense early rushes.

Zerg versus Terran:

• Burrowed Banelings to stifle large groups of Marines.
• Mutas to prevent drops, deny Siege-Tank placements, punish Terrans who don't have anti-air in their bases.
• Watch for Reaper early harassment.
• Large groups of Marines with Medivacs and Siege Tanks can ruin your day, but they are slow to move; set up burrowed-unit traps to get better angles of attack.
• This is actually my weakest match-up; I'll often steal a win by busting their wall-in early on.

Zerg versus Zerg:

• 10 Overlord, 13 Pool, scout with Drone, Extractor.
• If they're going mass ling, build Spine Crawlers, Baneling Nest, lings.
• If they're going Roach, go mass ling and hurry to Mutas.
• If they're going Mutas, go Hydras. In such a case I usually also build a Spore Crawler at each Hatchery, depending.
• I often build 6 lings regardless of what they're doing, for scouting/harass/protection.

Zerg versus Protoss:

• I've found that a mix of Roach/Hydra or Ling/Roach/Hydra works best.
• If they're going 2 Gateway, early expansion will be hard to hold.. if more than 2 Gate, stay on defence and tech to counter.
• If they're going Robotics Facility, go speed/crack lings with Hydra. Build another Queen or Hatchery if you're too money-heavy and unable to spend it on units.
• If they expand early, you can probably safely expand twice or take a farther gold expansion.

I played a few games last night, not really enough time for more than that. I'm currently in the top ten of my league, Gold Something-Or-Other, but I'm not sure how accurate the standings are. The game that sticks out in my mind is one where I thought I was playing Zerg and so scouted very late, at which point I realized I was actually up against Protoss, and that he'd two-Gated me outside my ramp. Quite embarrassing!

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Hola amigos!! Summer has finally come around the bend and I now find myself trying to find the optimal balance between cooling the condo and dealing with the noise of the heat pump. That is to say, if I choose too low a temperature the heat pump is on frequently and it's loud enough that it can wake me. Of course, if I use it less then I'm sweating uncomfortably. Such was the battle fought last night, a three hour battle I might add. The thought of sleeping downstairs occurs to me now.

I've been watching StarCraft 2 beta videos for the past while and although the game is a lot different from the original, there seems to be enough carried over that older SC1 skills still apply in the new game. I like that they've cleaned up much of the micro, allowing players (like carpel-sufferers like me) to concentrate more on strategy. It does seem that many newer players still have problems with their macro game, something I (and perhaps many others) consider the ability to multi-task under pressure. Incidentally this is what I enjoy most -- building stuff is fun! Also, I'm greedy so it definitely feeds the desire to vacuum up the region's resources.

Regarding the new units.. eh... I'm happy they kept the Ultralisk, that they gave it extra damage against buildings, and bestowed it with the Burrow ability -- pop-up RAGE! I don't like that they got rid of Vultures, probably my favorite Terran unit. Does Terran no longer have mines? Zergs kind of do now with Banelings, though they drain on gas and require micro so it's not nearly the same. Also, having to convert Overlords to Overseers is a big change since that was Zerg's thing -- they were much less prone to getting surprised by cloaked units. Now you have to create these gas-hungry, non-food-supplying units, giving Zerg a very different feel. Queens, ah, now there's a bonny unit with lots of abilities and doesn't cost gas -- a sweet deal for an early caster with ground and air attacks.

I find Protoss to appear to be very similar to its SC1 form. Sentries are interesting tier 1 casters with an attack, and give Protoss much more variety in its early game. Immortals seem to overlap the Colossi in terms of place in the army as a heavy-damage inflicting unit, but I suppose that remains to be seen.

Before that I was playing Team Fortress 2 on No Heroes, in anticipation of the new Engineer patch. However, with SC2 around the corner I've been pulled away from that for a while.

I am getting fatter. In order to combat this I have re-introduced sit-ups into my workout regime. Also, I've modified my workouts to include a bit more cardio i.e. to be more than just push-ups. I'd like to blame my weight on rich eating but in truth I've been fairly good with sticking to healthy foods, though perhaps not always in the ideal proportions. I have stopped having sugar in my coffee, unless it's instant, a surreptitious vice of mine -- I hate the stuff but some mornings I can't wait the 4 minutes for the grinds to steep.

Did I mention that I sometimes get a pain in my liver region? I've cut down on my drinking since I've started dating again and of late (not sure when exactly) I've noticed a slight discomfort on my right side. Yes, I have been meaning to speak to a doctor about it but I do, somewhat tentatively, conject on what it might be.

Well, I'll be in Buffalo, NY this weekend which looks to be cloudy with showers. No matter; some rest and time away from computers can only be a good thing. I shall be reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Ta!

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2010/08/03 Hwan I won't say that all is well (for I don't believe it to be so), but I am better. Thanks to all for asking!
2010/07/20 QYV Expected range for Creatinine for guys is 60 - 110 umol/L
2010/07/20 llamariffic Hmm, macrocytosis here as well, but to be honest I've had it since before I truly embarked on drinking as a proper hobby. Similarly, stopped drinking entirely, and it didn't go away. Just one of those things, I think.
2010/07/19 girl ack!! It's weird to think that I am now a parental unit. It was nice to see you hwan!
2010/05/21 Hwan I recall trying earplugs well back in my undergrad years, to mixed results. My sleep was troubled by feelings of claustrophobia. I also have a, perhaps unfounded, fear of not hearing the essential alarm in the mornings. However, I may give these another go, thanks.
2010/05/21 llamatron Have you tried sleeping with earplugs? My flat faces out onto a main road, so I've started using the standard foam plugs. It took a few nights to get used to them, but they make a big difference.
2010/05/21 girl The original swedish title: "Men who hate women". I'm not sure if it's the fault of the translation, but I never liked the reporter dude.
2001/03/07 Hwan Damn.. it seems Unweb has since died. http://www.gamegrene.com/node/183
2001/03/07 TY SHARDEL YOU CAN TRADE WITH THE UNIVERSE AND ENABLE SOCIAL NEEDS, OR PERHAPS POST WISH LISTS, HUG THE GLOBE LIKE A BIG OCTOPUS... TY
2010/03/24 Hwan I am amused by the John Irving comparison. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Irving#Recurring_themes